The Scout is a part that I haven’t quite met even though it’s the one that supplies the confused context that needs to be recontextualized in every moment that’s not merely a continuation of the one that came before it.

The Scout is most adept at preparing plans that fall apart the instant the battle starts. And the one to blame for the fact that I keep dutifully preparing for battle instead of life. The Scout presents a view of the future that demands a Call of Duty loadout configuration - or tells me the path is clear because he’s being held hostage at the time of writing.

Ok, maybe I’m over-dramatizing a bit, but The Scout hasn’t used any of his vacation time since he was hired when gas was $0.90 and ICE was still something that went in a cooler to keep your beverages cold at the beach.

And even when I leave an auto-responder, saying that I’m on vacation, the consistency of his catastrophic premonitions and my inability to separate them from legitimate fears, still wakes me up to give me daily briefings as I get sucked back into the live war zone. All before the date line reminds me that it’s just Thursday morning, day 13,500 of the war that ended decades before.

I’m writing this chapter right now, not because I know him and want to tell you his story, but because I’m hoping he will read this.

He only acts based on future possibilities and only communicates in disorienting daily briefings and the general dissonance of a part of me always trying to take the next 10 steps before I’ve been able to stabilize my feet.

The reason I think this writing may reach him is because of its intended status as not a book, but a boomerang. Its job isn’t just to go out into the world and cause impact, it’s to secure my invitation to participate in what comes next.

The Scout might be tempted to ignore this since he prefers to observe from a distance, but his resistance is futile. I’m exposing the main vein, and his entire operating doctrine will require him to study this surface like the Secret Service would prepare for an inauguration day speech.

Not just as a junction along the way, but as both the arrival to the second half of my life - and the beginning of the purpose that the first 43 years was intended to prepare me for.

I don’t mind holding onto metaphors like that, because I kind of have to believe it in order to want to do any of this in the first place. If I didn’t feel like there was a contribution I was intended to make, it would be hard to understand what the hell I was doing this whole time and why my system didn’t just collapse into the ultimate manifestation of the Armor of Apathy.

I shouldn’t even say it that concretely, because part of the reason for that is The Scout himself. The one that simultaneously made sure I was paranoid and terrified about what comes next, and simultaneously too many steps away from the stage door to escape without being caught by the terror before I reached stage left.

I could choose rigorous epistemology or pathology and decide The Scout represents irrational paranoia, and the key is to get him to relinquish the role altogether, but I don’t believe that, so it wouldn’t work. It would be a performance internally and externally. Just another Windbreaker of Apathy that wouldn’t withstand the winter.

So my proposal to The Scout is this: Scout, the war is over but I know you love your job and I still think it’s the right role for you, we just need to work together to update the job description.

What was once preparation for battle, can now be preparation for presence.

What was once contingency for inevitable failure, can now be preparation for inevitable opportunity.

What were once critical incoming threats, can now be something we should consider and work together to turn into a math problem and not a declaration of war against ourselves or the world around us.

We’ve got a lot to talk about, and the road ahead doesn’t contain anything I can’t handle without urgent telegrams (even though I do love the singing telegrams, they’re a nice touch).

Most of all, we need to get to know each other so we can make sure our efforts aren’t counterproductive to our shared desire to explore the world and all the incredible curiosity and possibility in it.

If you wouldn’t mind, I’d really appreciate it if you could set up post here for a little while until I’m able to catch up.

Talk to you soon,

Toph